In honour of February and all things relationships, this month on the blog we will be hearing from guys and girls from all stages of relationships answer some of the most asked questions regarding relationships, and share their best advice and encouragement. These are regular people who may be one or two steps ahead of you who have a heart for you to succeed in your romantic relationships. Get ready. Sit back. Let’s go! ~Daysha
Guest writer Kiel Uchtenhagen.I think everybody believes the claim that “hindsight is 20/20,” right? There is a clarity that comes once you move through something and analyze it from the outside. As a 29 year old happily married Christian man, I often find myself wondering how the heck I ended up here. Not just because of how amazing my wife is or the joy of having a personal relationship with Jesus, but because of how much of an idiot I was growing up. While I can’t share the details of my past, I can share the lessons I’ve learned because of it.
GET TO KNOW YOU
The first piece of advice I’d give anyone before entering a relationship; curb the excitement of getting to know someone else and get to know yourself first.
Get comfortable being who you are, and maybe even who you aren’t. You’re going to spend a lifetime with you. Once you get to know yourself, learn how to love yourself. How we treat ourselves directly correlates to how we treat others.
In relationships it can be tempting to pretend to be someone we aren’t. Regardless of our motives, being inauthentic isn’t worth it. Who we are will always come out eventually. Even though it may not feel like it, God didn’t make a mistake when he designed you. I promise.
Finally, I would say learn how to understand and manage your emotions. Your emotions are a large part of who you are.
A piece of advice specifically for the guys, start by admitting that you’re an emotional being.
LEARN TO BE VULNERABLE
Vulnerable – exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed [emotionally]
We all know that being vulnerable is uncomfortable, and after reading the definition it seems downright terrifying. However, vulnerability is how relationships grow. Without it we’re reduced to surface level relationships, which tend to leave us feeling alone instead of noticed.
If you aren’t vulnerable with yourself in the form of honesty, there is a disconnect between who you are and who you think you are. If you find disconnection within yourself, you’ll most likely struggle to connect with another human at a deep level.
Secondly, vulnerability within relationships will allow strong connections to form. Oddly enough, because of that connection you’ll be in a more vulnerable place. The people closest to you will hurt you the most.
I’m not trying to scare you away from people by saying that, I’m simply attempting to highlight the fragility of connection. When anyone opens up to us, realize it’s a privilege to experience someone for who they are. They are taking a risk by letting you in, so it’s best to be gentle.
EXTEND GRACE
We’re people, we mess up. A lot. Offering forgiveness and extending grace is so important in relationships. If it’s true that the people closest to you will hurt you the most then extending grace is vital. You can either be gracious and learn to forgive, or continually cycle through relationships every time you get hurt. Not very realistic, right?
So if you want to protect your connection with people, pretend the situation was reversed and treat them the way you’d want to be treated.
CHEER PEOPLE ON
Need I say more? Believe in people, and let them know. It doesn’t have to be a spouse, encourage your friends and family. If you do find yourself married one day, do everything you can to show them that you are their biggest supporter. Like if your wife decides she wants to start a podcast, hype it up wherever you can.
WATCH YOUR FOCUS
“Focus on you, but don’t be your own focus,” was a phrase the Lord gave me recently. It’s sounds contradictory, and it is, but I’ll try my best to explain.
To me it beautifully highlights how I need to focus on myself as an individual, and allow my wife space to do the same. While at the same I need to be selfless and put my wife and our marriage before my own desires.
I thought I was pretty selfless before I got married, but let me tell you that in all of my arrogance and pride, I was largely mistaken. Marriage has been very humbling, and I’m expecting it to stay that way.
Everything you are doing now is growing you as an individual, either positively or negatively. Friendships, habits, routines, thought patterns, all affect you in major ways. Nothing has highlighted this more to me than my marriage.
Regardless of relationship status we can all agree that we want to be the best version of ourselves. Focus on that. Get acquainted with yourself. Be open and honest with yourself. Be gracious with yourself. Cheer yourself on. Focus on what you’re responsible for. As you grow, I pray that you continually invite Jesus to gently guide you through the process.
Hey guys. My name is Kiel Uchtenhagen.
Needless to say I spent all of elementary school learning to spell my own name. I’ve known Jesus for 5 years and been married to my lovely wife Kathryn for just over a year. Most people know her as Kate, but I think Kathryn is too pretty of a name not to use. I volunteer at the Guest Lounge at Hope City Church, so I spend most Sunday mornings welcoming people to church and it’s a highlight every week. I like to read, watch nature documentaries, play card games and drink tea. I’m an old 29.
Photography by Teresa Renee
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