In honour of February and all things relationships, this month on the blog we will be hearing from guys and girls from all stages of relationships answer some of the most asked questions regarding relationships, and share their best advice and encouragement. These are regular people who may be one or two steps ahead of you who have a heart for you to succeed in your romantic relationships. Get ready. Sit back. Let’s go! ~Daysha
I never wanted to get married.
It’s not that I believed marriage in itself was bad. It was that I thought it was too risky. I thought, Why would I willingly submit to a man who could so easily make my life a living hell? And with me being a “good Christian girl,” I would just have to endure it. Being stuck in an unhealthy manifestation of a man’s brokenness scared me to my core. That thought coupled with my deep need to be hidden made me an unlikely candidate for marriage. My hiding was partially induced by introversion but mainly fuelled by the fear of not being enough. In my friendships and family, I only saw my value in what I could give. I tried desperately to be what people wanted and needed but often came up lacking. It was exhausting and disappointing. From this, I drew the conclusion that if I wasn’t enough in these relationships, I definitely wouldn’t be enough in marriage. I was convinced that when my husband saw I couldn’t produce what he wanted or needed, I would be unloved. And a cycle of abuse would likely ensue. The cracks in my carefully curated exterior would momentarily reveal my misguided understanding of love. But these cracks were quickly explained away by my need to be everything for everybody and subsequently a nobody for who I was designed to be. So I was content to stay single. Patching my own cracks and chanting the age-old adage, I Don’t Need No Man.
Marriage was my ultimate mission to avoid, but God gave me his truth through it. It was the vehicle he used to break through the weak and wavering relational pillars I was standing on. Carefully rebuilding them with truth. This post reflects three lessons I’ve learned in this rebuilding process. The beautiful thing I’ve realized along the way is that these lessons are foundational for any healthy endeavour with another soul. So whatever relationships you are currently engaged in, I believe the following can bring truth and freedom to you as it continues to for me.
Lesson One: Boundaries
Before Kiel and I were married we sat down with some friends and asked for marriage advice. A lot was said and I forget it all- except this one line, ask God to show you the ugly side of your partner. All I was thinking was, that is crack for advice, no way. But it stuck with me. The advice was intended to prepare us for committing to this one particular person for life. With their weird quirks and temperament. If what we saw in each other was something we could live with for the rest of our lives, get married. If not, call it off. I did see some ugly. And it scared me. But I didn’t stay there. The truth came when I realized I had a choice in what I would and wouldn’t accept in our relationship. I set my boundaries and found my freedom. Kiel and I had countless conversations around if one partner did a) the other would proceed to do b). For example, if an argument got really heated, whoever needed to cool down would leave until a healthy conversation could continue. This may sound silly and minute but everyone needs to know what their boundaries are in every relationship. Believe it or not you don’t have to brush away or accept hurtful comments from those you love. You don’t have to subject yourself to abuse of any kind. You don’t have to be a part of conversations that don’t give life. You can limit relationships that are draining and you don’t have to listen to people that just want to manipulate you. You can put a line in the sand of what you will and won’t accept in your relationships. Discovering my boundaries and having conversations around them dissolved my fear of abuse. I began to understand that I was enough with all my limitations. I learned where I ended and another began is a beautiful separation which gives God the space to be the perfect and complete giver and sustainer. God has given each of us boundaries to live by. Each a life to manage. Telling your truth is the beginning of you discovering what your boundaries are.
Lesson Two: Compassion
I really don’t think you can forgive someone unless you have compassion for them. And you need that forgiving muscle if you want to maintain a healthy relationship. My husband was created with such wonder and anticipation. And then he had a crash course with life. Molded by family, friends, school, and jobs. Random encounters and significant happenings. These all led up to our time together. All that to say, every thought, word and action of my husband is grounded in some sort of history. So I’m trying to be aware of that before I assert my opinion on a situation. Relationships are simple. People are complex. Kiel and I both bring different experiences to the table and work hard to love each other despite our differences. I’ve learned that it takes an extraordinary amount of compassion toward someone you love to accept them in all their wonder and faults; trying to understand where they are coming from and forgiving when you can’t understand their thoughts, words or actions. Compassion in relationships is key because it opens the door to forgiveness.
Lesson Three: Jesus is King
The final and most beautiful aspect of any relationship: Jesus. Let him define you, and you define your relationships. The goal of life is not to get married or to stay single. Your value is not in one or the other. The goal is to be with Jesus and love people. Whatever way you do that is up to you. Finding your value in your relationship with Jesus rather than people means you may be hurt but you won’t be destroyed. You may cry, but you’ll never be alone. You may question but you can be confident God is working your life out. He’s on your side when it feels like no one else is. That is what I’m here for. The beauty of knowing the One who held me from the beginning of creation will hold me until the end of time. Confident that he is with me in and out of every relationship I encounter.
God gave me Kiel to work through my need for healing in relationships. My husband is my best friend because he respects my boundaries, has incredible compassion towards me and pursues Jesus as his teacher above everything. I’ve experienced more of God’s love because of Kiel’s love. Learning that love and healing is a natural result from any healthy relationship- regardless of the status. Wherever you find yourself today, know you have a choice in all your relationships. In boundaries, compassion and letting Jesus define you. My prayer is that you stand on that truth and find that freedom within all your relationships.
Hey I’m Kate and chances are I will probably like you. Not in a creepy way, but in hey it’s so cool you’re alive and braving the world around you. I love people and stories but most of all, hearing people’s stories over tea while planted in a comfy chair. My hubby and I have been married for a ripe 1.5 years. His friendship and love has been such a beautiful gift to me. My favorite things in the world are sunshine, books, dancing and sitting around the table indulging in food and conversation. I also love plans but it’s hubs job to keep them alive- he’s a much better singer than I am 😉 P.s. if you ever want to chat I’m just a DM away. Much love, Kate.
Featured Image: Photography by Teresa Renee
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