This blog post was shared with permission from Chasing True Beauty.
Written by Anna Parker
You know those people who start a new diet or workout routine on January first? Those people who say “New Year New Me”? I am those people. I either start something on a Monday or on the first of the month. There’s just something I find hopeful about the beginning of the month or the beginning of the work week – It’s the promise of something new. March was not my month. But April was going to be different. At 3 months postpartum I was a whopping 30lbs heavier than I was pre-babies. Determined to change the number on the scale, I set out to get on the elliptical at least 3 times a week. I also banished all junk food from our home so I wouldn’t be tempted to cheat. My goal for the month was to lose 5lbs. I kept a daily food journal. I portioned out my morning oatmeal. I even posted a calendar on our bedroom wall to track how often I worked-out. So when weigh-in time came on May first, I was extremely hopeful. I had worked so hard! I denied myself so many treats and late night cravings. But to my utter shock and dismay, I had not lost 5lbs, I didn’t lose any weight at all – instead I gained 3lbs!
Feeling rather dejected, I grabbed a hot cup of tea and an old issue of Glamour magazine. I opened the page where I knew the beautiful model with the slender figure would be. There she was … a size 0-2 — The perfect body. I knew she worked out 7 days a week, not 3. I knew she was not a nursing mother. I knew she had never been pregnant. I knew she definitely had not spent 9 months puking in pregnancy due to a condition called Hyperemesis Gravidarum. I knew she ate A LOT healthier than I had just eaten this last month. I knew every single thing there was to know about that model and her body. Because that model in the old issue of Glamour magazine — was me.
My eyes swelled with tears as I looked at my pre-baby body; 30lbs lighter than I currently am at this moment in time. Somewhere in my head I’ve convinced myself that unless I look like that – like the size 0-2 version of myself, I can’t be beautiful. I so desperately wanted to look like that again. I remember shooting that story for Glamour Magazine at Pier 59 studios in New York City. I remember the stylist fawning over how tiny my waist was. I remember the make-up artist praising me for how clear my skin was. But I can also remember not feeling like I was thin enough – even then.
I sat in our living room feeling completely dejected. Fortunately my husband and toddler were downstairs in the playroom, and our 3-month-old daughter was asleep in her swing – all safe from witnessing mommy’s shameful meltdown. My face was completely drenched in tears at this point. I looked down once more at “Model Anna” in all her size 0-2 glory. Then I looked up at my Bible across the room. How was I here again? I should know by now that my value and worth are not linked with my physical appearance! I’m a daughter of the most High God! But, do I truly know this?
For most people a healthy diet and exercise should have produced weight loss. But for me, I’ve had a condition called Hyperemesis Gravidarum in both my pregnancies. This means that for the last 2.5 years, I’ve spent about 15 of those months vomiting every day (6 months with my son and 9 months with my daughter). For both pregnancies I would vomit anywhere from 10-12 times a day in my first trimester. At its worst I couldn’t even keep down water and I needed IV therapy just to stay hydrated (God bless our medical system). Now that I’m able to eat again though, my body is holding on to EVERYTHING. Every ounce of carb, fat, and calorie – my body is just drinking in. Seriously. It has been the worst. Somehow baby carrots are turning into fat on my body. I have found myself constantly asking God why. Why was he allowing this? It just felt so terribly unfair.
After a rather mellow-dramatic conversation with God, I closed Glamour magazine and opened my Bible. I knew exactly where in those precious pages I was turning to – Proverbs 31:10-31. I knew what Glamour Magazine had to say about beauty, but what did Scripture have to say about it? What struck me dead in my tracks that day was Proverbs 31 verse 30: “Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised”. Ladies – beauty is fleeting. Say that again. Beauty. Is. Fleeting! One day ALL of us will have wrinkles, grey hair, and sagging body parts. No amount of botox or plastic surgery can make an old woman look like a teenager again – and to be honest, it’s kind of creepy when women try. So what is true beauty? What is it that makes a woman worthy of praise? Where can a woman place her value and sense of self-worth? The answer to these questions are right here in that passage of Scripture: “a woman who fears the Lord”. A woman who’s heart is firmly rooted in Christ and who she is in Christ. A woman who truly fears the Lord will have the fruit of the Spirit found in Galatians 5:22-23. She might not be a size 0-2 or look like a model in a magazine. She will however be loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle, and exhibit self-control. She might even have a little bit of grit or moxie to her. At least that’s how I interpret verse 17. But can I be candid? I am not the woman of God I want to be. Not even close. Maybe if I would have spent the entire month of April working on my spiritual appearance instead of my physical, I would have stepped off the scale that day knowing where my value truly lies. Maybe I would have given my postpartum body the grace it needed. Maybe I would have just continued to eat healthy and exercise instead of wallowing in self-pity and Lindt double milk chocolate bars. Okay, mini-eggs and Cadbury cream eggs too. I went from eating healthy to saying “the heck with this” and drowning my sorrows in chocolate and chicken wings (I don’t know why but I have mad cravings for chicken wings lately). Naturally this switch from healthy eating to over-indulging in junk foods made my blood sugar spike. My hormones went completely wacky and I would suddenly cry most mornings for no apparent reason (my poor husband). If I’m being honest a large part of why I would cry was hormones and sleep deprivation yes, but it was also the fact that NONE of my clothes fit me. It suddenly dawned on me one tear-filled morning that if I keep this up, I will be teaching my daughter that her value is dependent upon how she looks. This was NOT okay with me. Not one bit.
You know the saying “cleanliness is next to godliness”? Yeah well in my home growing up, it was “skinniness is next to godliness”. This drive and desire to be thin and beautiful goes back generations in my family; and I need it to stop with me – for my [daughter] Isabelle's sake. Listen, I’m not saying there is anything wrong with being thin or beautiful! Please don’t misunderstand me. I think physical health is extremely important and I also believe it’s directly linked to our emotional and mental health – and in some cases, even our spiritual health. There’s a reason gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins. Like all of sin, it separates us from God. Poor diet and lack of exercise are actually linked with all kinds of disorders – both physical and mental. Just look it up. I don’t have time for a biology lesson today and that’s not the point of this article.
The point is I want to become a woman who’s value is intrinsically tied up with who I am in Christ – not my clothing size or the number on a scale. I want to teach my daughter that what makes her beautiful is not how she looks – but who she is in Christ. Maybe you’re reading this and you want that too.
Well dear reader, I don’t have all the answers but I’ve got a few. First acknowledge and confess where you’ve misplaced your value. Next commit to eating healthy and avoiding extremes – that is don’t diet like crazy and deny yourself so much that you end up binge-eating on junk food (highly do not recommend this). Combine healthy eating with staying active. Go for a walk or a run. Do some squats. Lift some weights. Workout because it’s good for your body (which is a temple – see 1 Corinthians 6:19-20). You can still set fitness goals! But do not make it an idol. Do not let the skinny or fit version of yourself become your idea of beauty. Because you can be physically beautiful and still be a complete and total turd (trust me on this one – I was an international model for over a decade. I met A LOT of attractive people who were just terrible human-beings). Next super important point: extend yourself some grace! If you’ve had a baby or two, if you’re under a lot of stress, maybe your mental health has been in the toilet, or maybe there’s a global pandemic and the whole world feels super crazy right now – just give yourself some grace!
But most important point of all, are you listening to this one? Find out who you are in Christ. What do I mean by that? I mean who are you outside of how you look, what your talents are, what you do for a living, and what you present on social media. Sound complicated? It is. I’ve been on this journey for about 11 years this May. Even though I’ve been walking with Christ that long, I definitely haven’t been intentionally seeking out who I am in Him. That’s why the numbers on the scale have continued to be so gut-wrenchingly devastating for me. That’s why even doing well in University felt meaningless and empty for me (an article for another day). And that’s why no matter how thin or attractive I was back when I modelled full time – I never truly felt beautiful. I may not have been intentional in this area of my walk with God this last decade, but I am now. My hope is that my experiences as a full time model, a full time university student, and even a full time wife and mother of two – will somehow help, exhort, and encourage others. Above all I hope God uses me to help women (and maybe even a few men) chase after true beauty.
After an entire decade in the modelling industry, four years in University, and the last two years spent as a full-time mom – I’m finally ready to share what God has taught me & continues to teach me about beauty. My hope is that my experiences and the things I write will be used to encourage, exhort, and bless my readers. Read more at https://chasingtruebeauty.com/
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