Friendship.
Depending on what your experience has been, that word can bring up a multitude of hurts or the sweetest of memories.
No matter who you are, being in relation with other humans is messy and hard, but can also be the most rewarding and life giving experience.
The deepest pains we experience in this life unfortunately seem to come from friendship.
Today, I want to help free you up and spur you on in your friendships by calling out the lies a lot of us seem to walk in, yet never talk about.
Lie #1: Everyone has a best friend, or a lot of best friends, but me.
Have you ever believed this to be true? I know I have for most of my life. It seemed like everyone had their person whom they were inseparable with, leaving me to constantly evaluate my friendships in search of that ‘best friend’ and placing unrealistic expectations on them.
We can thank Taylor Swift for the invention of the cultural term ‘squad’ that has continued to feed the lie that everyone has their people and if I don’t no one must want me, like me, or accept me as a truly am. First off, if we are in relationship with others simply for the title and the appearance of being accepted, we need to check our hearts, because there is WAY more to friendship than cute instagram pictures, being in the ‘in’ crowd or having your calendar full of social events.
Friendship is sacred and sanctifying. It’s a gift, a gift that God himself extends to us. Jesus says so Himself that we are friends of God. Are we friends with God just for the ‘in’ of Heaven, and the appearance of being accepted? How does friendship with Jesus look compared to your earthly friendships? The principles should be the same. Meaning that if our friendships with people look like spending time with them, talking to them, confiding in them, laughing with them and genuinely getting to know the person rather than using them for what they can offer us, same goes for our relationship with God. If not, if friendship with humans looks different then friendship with your Saviour and Creator that may be something to evaluate and reflect upon.
If you were to ask the people in your life, I think you would be surprised to find out how many don’t have a ‘best friend’ or feel like they don’t have lots of friends. Or even if we do have friends, we are probably constantly comparing them to others and putting unrealistic expectations on them leaving us feeling alone and not known.
You don’t need a best friend, you don’t even need lots of friends. You are already accepted., already known, and seen right where you are, for who you are. Having more friends or a best friend is not going to change that eternal truth.
“And He chose us to His very own, joining us to Himself even before He laid the foundation of the universe!” Ephesians 1:4 TPT
Some questions to reflect on are:
Have you prayed about your friendships?
Have you prayed for your friends?
What is holding you back from reaching out first?
Lie #2: Friendships are about how I feel
I kind of wish that friendships or any type of relationships always left us feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. If only miscommunication, fear and insecurities weren’t a thing. Yet, God in His grace and love for us uses these things that the enemy purposely tries to destroy our relationships with, to build closer intimacy and trust in our human relationships.
God did not design friendship to make us feel good all the time. They are meant to sharpen and sanctify us, making us more into the person God designed us to be. (Proverbs 27:17)
Ask yourself, do your current friends make you a better person?
Friendships are usually not about us, but about the betterment and advancement of The Kingdom.
Friendship is not for us, but for those around us. (Philippians 2:4) Jesus knew this and came to demonstrate this. He came to turn our definition of friendship on its head and show us the truest form of friendship. “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends,” (John 15:13). There is nothing self-seeking about that.
But you may say, its so exhausting always being the friend and feeling like no one is returning the favour. You are always the one initiating, but no one seems to ask you how you are doing. Those feelings are real! But here’s the truth, friends were not meant to fill us up and be the ones to carry our burdens. Ooof I know that’s a tough pill to swallow. Only Jesus can truly satisfy us and carry our burdens and he never disappoints! Before we go to our friends, we must get filled up by the Perfect Friend - Jesus.
The enemy will throw arrows of insecurity, fear, and rejection our way, because he will do everything he can to destroy the good relationships in your life.
We don’t live for friendship, but from friendship. We in fact were created from the truest expression of community and friendship - the Trinity. The universe was brought into existence and is held together by a divine relationship between the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. It is the friendship of God that everything is founded upon. We are founded in the friendship of God and were drawn up by the friendship of God. Think about that. Doesn’t that already begin to change our ideas of friendship?
Friendship is about sacrifice. Humbling oneself. Seeing the other person for who they are. Friendship is about advancing the Kingdom and coming together (sitting down together) to use what we got to create for the glory of God and the good of others.
We can get so insecure about friendships, but it’s really not about us.
Some questions to reflect on are:
Do they point you to christ/make you want to be with Jesus?
Do they make you a better person?
What are your natural tendencies?
are you the first one to reach out? Why?
do you wait for someone to reach out to you? Why?
do you feel secure or insecure when it comes to friendships? Why?
Lie #3: No body wants to be my friend
“No body wants to be my friend” is quite self focused. It goes back to the lie that friendship is to serve me. What if instead of walking into a room full of people with the mindset “who is going to be my friend? Who is going to notice me?” we instead go in thinking “who can I be a friend to?”
See, you are already a friend. Jesus called you His friend before you ever called Him yours. He picked you before you ever picked Him.
“You are my friends if you do what I command. No longer I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit…” John 15:14-16 (emphasis added)
He knows everything about you and has never left your side, never betrayed you or viewed you according to your mistakes. If we know that we are already found in friendship, and have been chosen for friendship with Christ then we will want to spread that friendship we have with others and in result find community and friendship.
If you are tired of being overlooked, feeling too much and not enough, feeling like you will never have “your people”, can I encourage and challenge you to be a friend first. By starting and reaching out first you get to decide not whose excluded, but whose included.
If you feel like you’re too much, then look for the ones who also feel that way. If you feel unwanted and misunderstood, then look for and befriend those who perhaps resonate. Who else doesn’t get invited to stuff much and wants community? Look for them. They are your people.
You have a super power. As a daughter of the King, created out of relationship, chosen for friendship, YOU are a friend. And because Jesus see’s you, are are able to see others right where they are at and walk alongside them.
Lets stop believing the lies from the enemy. As a friend of God, we don’t have time to compare, feel insecure, and remain in isolation. The enemy has stolen much from us when it comes to relationships, but by God’s grace He will use the mess and the hurt for His glory if we let Him.
Thanks for taking the time to read these words.
They were written with you in mind, but to be honest I’m speaking them right back to my own heart.
If we haven’t met, my name is Daysha! I am probably just like you in many respects. Someone who is trying to figure out life, her dreams, and her passions. Discovering who God called her to be, while cheering others on that same journey. A girl who struggles with insecurities, fears and shame. But who is showing up imperfectly for the glory of God and the good of others.
I love exploring new places, sipping on london fogs and having deep conversations around a fire.
Follow along the journey @daysha.albrecht
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