Freedom…different than I had grown up imagining it to be.

By Guest Writer Rachelle Bzdel

Freedom always felt like a fairytale. Something the Bible spoke about that was relevant to that time in history but not applicable to my life today. 

I started struggling with an eating disorder when I was 12 and after 8 years of ups and downs eventually hit rock bottom when I ended up being admitted to the U of A hospital at 19. Even my psychiatrist told me that this was a lifelong illness and I needed to focus on how to live with it. Depression at that point was an understatement. It was just darkness, feeling like I was suffocating and trapped in my own mind which screamed lies at me 24/7. Long story short- 6 weeks into treatment a friend from the unit asked me to come with her to church Sunday night. At that point, I felt like I was too far gone to come back to my faith and if I’m being honest- also was not too keen on being seen in public with a feeding tube. But since I was unable to leave the unit without approved supervision and had been stuck there for weeks, I agreed to go. 

I still remember everything about that night. Jesus met me in the middle of my mess without any judgement, disappointment or frustration . A complete stranger (who would later become one of my closest friends) prayed for me that night and it was so powerful. I felt something that I didn’t think was possible- hope. In my story freedom was not instant, I was in the hospital for 5 months and then transitioned to outpatient treatment and then continued with counselling. Slowly the lies were replaced by truth, and the good decisions started to outnumber the bad. I don’t know the day it happened but I do know that somewhere along the journey- I became free.

Freedom looked different than I had grown up imagining it to be. It wasn’t that any negative thoughts or actions disappeared, but rather that I knew there was always a way out. (1 Corinthians 10:13) It also wasn’t about never making a mistake or falling back into old patterns but the ability to be vulnerable and open and get help when I needed it. I know that for me, this addiction will always be a thorn in my side- something that I have to be careful to have boundaries with, and be willing to allow those close to me to be able to call me out when I need them to. But it feels freeing to know that I am more than a conqueror in Christ. (Romans 8:37) 

I also want to say that you do not have to be hospitalized with an eating disorder in order to be in a place where food is controlling your life. My heart breaks for anyone that feels like any of their world revolves around food, exercise, appearance, control or suppressing emotions. Sometimes it seems like it’s just the cultural norm for women to hate their bodies or be obsessed with dieting. I think we need to show the world that Jesus has so much more in store for us than this.

What if instead of listening to our friends talk about dieting, exercising, shopping and make up, we changed the conversation. We stood up and said that we don’t have to settle for a life of being less than but we can embrace our identity in Christ and live a life where we are more.

Embracing our flaws.

Embracing our failures.

Embracing our struggles.

What if we really knew, really understood that there is NO ONE like us in the world. That our unique combination of both strengths and weaknesses enables us to show a small piece of God’s character that no one else can show. 

“You formed my innermost being, shaping my delicate inside

and my intricate outside,

and wove them all together in my mother’s womb.

I thank you, God, for making me so mysteriously complex!

Everything you do is marvellously breathtaking.

It simply amazes me to think about it!

How thoroughly you know me, Lord!

You even formed every bone in my body

when you created me in the secret place,

carefully, skillfully shaping me from nothing to something.” Psalm 139:13-15

This might be a verse you’ve heard a million times in your life- but have you ever really read it and thought about what it means? The more we meditate on it and let it become our truth- the more it will guard the lies from having any grip on our thoughts.

The more we can become free. 

Hey my name is Rachelle! I have been married to my hubby Mike for almost 10 years and have two amazing kids, Logan and Tavia. Some of my favourite things are cute coffee shops, a good podcast, the sound of ocean waves, the feeling when you finish a hard workout, live worship playlists and buttered salty popcorn. I am also passionate about helping others find their true identify in Christ.