Written by Daysha Albrecht
For many years I could not put words to my feelings or actions. I was unsure of what I was doing and why it felt good. How was I suppose to explain to someone something I did not even know how to describe without sounding like a crazy person? (Basically someone who struggled with sin while in a committed relationship to Jesus). I felt so ashamed and so alone. I was convinced no one on earth was a dirty as me. After years of being in the dark, I have now experienced the light - freedom and healing that only Jesus could bring me. I can now put words to what I was going through which is why I am writing this for you today; so that you can know that you are not alone and that there is freedom and healing available.
There are a couple of sentences mentioned in the eye witness account of Mark, of one night when Jesus was a at friend’s house just outside of Jerusalem - days before His death. “As he was reclining at the table, a woman came into the house, holding an alabaster flask. It was filled with the highest quality of fragrant and expensive oil, (Mark 14:3a TPT).
After looking into what exactly an alabaster jar was, this is what I discovered.
“Alabaster was a stone commonly found in Israel. It was a hard stone resembling white marble and is referred to as one of the precious stones used in the decoration of Solomon’s temple (1 Chronicles 29:2). Ointment, oils, and perfumes used to be put in vessels made of alabaster to keep them pure and unspoiled. The boxes were often sealed or made fast with wax to prevent the perfume from escaping. Alabaster was a beautiful substance and strong enough to keep the oil or perfume completely contained until the time of its use," (https://www.gotquestions.org/alabaster-box.html)
If my heart was an alabaster jar, I was preserving it, which according to the reactions of those present with Jesus at the time was the respectable and admirable thing to do. I kept the exterior of my alabaster jar beautiful, sealed and contained. Why would one want to do anything to compensate the purity and beauty of the jar and its contents?
I did this not to compensate my filth, but because I thought I could make this issue go away on my own. By striving for forgiveness, healing and purity.
Like many of us, I tried to keep the jar intact. Attempting to keep up good appearances with parents, friends and pastors. Shutting down anything that would allow others to see the cracks. Others were visibly more broken than me, and even as desperately as I wanted relief, I did not know how to confess what I had been hiding in the dark for so long. On the outside I was great. A church girl hungry for God, which was true. But deep down while my pastors and leaders ran to the depressed girl, the unchurched girl, the obviously broken girl…I was dying for someone to see me and pray for me all the same, (don’t let church girls fool you). In my own strength, I tried to keep the contents of the jar within the beautiful exterior vessel, hoping it would heal itself with time.
I didn’t want to be broken. But He had to allow the breaking to happen. I had to break to allow the contents of my heart and mind to pour out. What I didn’t know was that what I thought was toxic and dirty, was a sweet perfume pouring out on Jesus.
“She walked right up to Jesus, and with a gesture of extreme devotion, she broke the flask and poured out the precious oil over his head, (Mark 14:3b TPT).
The jar wasn’t broken just to be broken. It had a purpose. The alabaster jar was meant to break in order for the precious perfume within it to be used. The breaking wasn’t wasted.
This is what you won’t hear in Sunday school or youth group. We as humans were meant to break. Jesus, of all people broke. Because it’s only in our breaking that the purpose of Jesus’ breaking on the cross is realized. When the beautiful strong exterior is recognized for what it truly is - a vessel - and the true contents - our hearts - are spilled out, that is when our purpose is actualized. And even more so, that is where freedom and life are experienced.
Jesus is after my heart, he’s after your heart, more than the beautiful, and strong exterior we appear to hide ourselves in. If the alabaster jar represents our lives, we have confused the purpose of the jar. It is not to keep a pure, unspoiled surface, while sealing off the precious contents within it. The jar - our lives - were meant to be broken in order to get to what has been contained inside - our truest selves. This is what pleases the Lord, more than your outward attempts of holiness.
Now this is my personal experience. I can’t speak for everyone who has walked through this, but this is how I perceived it.
Looking back the most broken thing, and the thing that breaks my heart the most, is that satan took advantage of my innocence. What started out as childlike innocence and curiosity (which is totally normal and not sinful) became laced with impure thoughts, motivations and idolatry. When anything in our life becomes something we can’t live without, or is the thing we turn to for comfort before God, or separates us from relationships, that’s a good indicator that thing is sin.
Like an elephant tied to a stake satan conditioned me from a young age to believe his lies as the solution to my deepest desires. So that by the time I was older he had me trapped in shame, isolation, and questioning my identity and salvation.
Side note: This is what the deceiver does! He lures us into the dark with lies that sound really good, but then flips and makes us feel incredible amounts of shame for that very sin, confuses our identity (“a daughter of God would never do that”) and convinces us that Jesus’ sacrifice was not enough to cover our sin.
For a long time it felt like satan had victory. And he did because he convinced me to keep my actions in the dark, blanketed me in shame and filled me with fear and confusion. I could not even speak of my sin because I did not know how to define it - confusion. I was convinced that I was the only person struggling with this sin - shame.
But by the grace of God, (and I do not use those words lightly, like seriously, only by the grace of God) Holy Spirit convicted me (it was a conviction and not condemnation because I felt compelled to stop, not shamed) that what I was doing was wrong. Again I couldn’t place it or categorize it because I had no vocabulary for it at the time. I just had to trust Holy Spirit working in my life and obey what I felt Him asking of me. To stop. This was my first step to freedom.
It was not until several years later that I learned that what I was struggling with was masturbation. Naming it was terrifying, and made me hide in shame even more. While this is probably what the devil wanted, what he didn’t know was that naming it was yet another step closer to freedom. What the enemy was using to pour shame into my life, God was using to expose and bring light to, which ultimately lead to freedom!
Again, I didn’t want to be broken. Especially not this broken.
But what the woman with the alabaster jar didn’t do, was scramble and try to put all the pieces of the smashed jar back together.
I can remember so many times where I would pray that God would take my shame, take my thoughts, take this weight away, but it felt like He was silent. Which in turn I translated as God was so disappointed with me that He couldn’t even look at me, speak to me and couldn’t forgive me.
“God can you put me back together?” I cried out.
But looking back now, I clearly see how God’s grace carried me, how His faithful love never ceased to pursue me throughout all those years and how the nails in His wrists were taken for me. Even when I was oblivious to His nearness, He never stopped His pursuit of my heart and my healing.
God never promised to put us back together as He found us. I was praying for something that God had never promised. However, what the Bible does say that God promises to do is make something new!
“Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?” Isaiah 43:19 ESV
“And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new,” Revelation 21:5 ESV).
God wanted my healing more than I could understand at the time, but I was upset that it wasn’t looking or feeling like I was hoping it would, in the time frame I was asking for. I was still trying to keep the jar intact, but it was never about the jar.
The woman didn’t break the jar, just to break the jar. God had purpose to my breaking. An impact beyond myself.
So I’m gonna ask you a question that was pivotal to my freedom. What do you need to break to let the contents pour out?
Is it the false image you keep up around your pastor and youth leaders? Is it that sin you keep hidden from your parents or your friends? Is it that toxic relationship you have with your body and how you view yourself? Is it your mental health, the panic attacks no one knows about? The depression that keeps you isolated? The desire for love and a relationship which results in toxic boys or pornography or masturbation. Is it the toxic thoughts that keep you in a cycle of shame? Is it the low self esteem that has convinced you that you are too broken to be loved by God, too messed up for anyone, forgotten, and dirty?
There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). He delights in you (Psalm 18:19). He has redeemed you (Isaiah 43:1).
God desires the best for you. He is for you. He created you with purpose and for a purpose, but to understand that He sometimes (lots of the time) has to break us. Not out of anger or judgement, but out of a deep love for us. He has to break down our idols, our selfish wants, and our sin we want to keep in the dark. To experience freedom, we need to bring things into the light.
It’s funny, we think that the dark is too dark for God. That our darkest places separate us from Him, like a wall that He can’t get through.
But “the light [Jesus] shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it,” (John 1:5 ESV). He doesn’t see our darkness/sin as an impossible barrier, for “the Lord my God lightens my darkness,” (Psalm 18:28). “Even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as day, for darkness is as light with you,” (Psalm 139:12). Jesus himself said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life,” (John 8:12). This is just scratching the surface on what the Bible says about light!
I was powerless against my flesh and sin. I could not, and still cannot, rescue myself, or experience healing by striving for it or hoping it would one day fall into my lap. But there is good news. “For when the time was right, the Anointed One came and died to demonstrate his love for sinners who were entirely helpless, weak, and powerless to save themselves,” (Romans 5:6 TPT). We have a rescuer! And He is not afraid of the dark, He is not afraid of your struggle.
While I was weak and was repeatedly turning my back on God, He remained faithful to His love for me. Month after month, year after year, He never grew weary of pursuing me. This is what He does friends, He rescues the ones who are powerless to save themselves - which is ALL OF US.
I am convinced that nothing can separate you or me from the love of Jesus Christ. “In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angles nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord,” (Romans 8:37-39).
It was after years of breaking. Breaking habits. Breaking thought patterns. Breaking me. Dying to my flesh. Breaking until I was a million little pieces - like that alabaster jar. Broken. Exposed. Poured out on the feet of Jesus did then my healing begin. Yours can begin today too.
Thanks for taking the time to read these words. They were written with you in mind, but to be honest I’m speaking them right back to my own heart. If we haven’t met, my name is Daysha! I am probably just like you in many respects. Someone who is trying to figure out life, pursue God, and his desires for my life; while cheering others on that same journey. A girl who struggles with insecurities, fears and shame. But who is showing up imperfectly for the glory of God and the good of others.
I love exploring new places, sipping on london fogs and having deep conversations around a fire.
Follow along the journey @daysha.albrecht
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