In honour of February and all things relationships, this month the blog is going to take a different format by having guys and girls from all stages of relationships answer some of the most asked questions regarding relationships, and share their best advice and encouragement. These are regular people who may be one or two steps ahead of you who have a heart for you to succeed in your romantic relationships. Get ready. Sit back. Let’s go! ~Daysha
Hi, my name’s Haya like hi-yah *karate chops* (it’s more exciting when I do it in person). I love a good cup of London fog (or more recently lavender fogs), learning about plants, and collecting enamel pins to add to my denim jacket. I have a teaching background but I’m currently working as the administrative coordinator for the young adults department at Hope City Church. You can find me hanging out with my cat at home and watching all the anime Kieran got me into.
And I’m the one that’s not Haya, call me Kieran! I’d love to meet you and chat about life over a coffee (well you can have coffee, I’ll have a hot chocolate). I just finished my B.Ed. at the U of A, and because I “can’t get enough school,” I’m in my first semester at Vanguard to learn how to better teach the Bible. It comes in handy at my job at Hope City Church teaching kids every Sunday mornings; it’s been great to learn how to not teach heresy. Catch me at home trying to stay warm by procrastinating for the Spartan Race that Haya and I are running in May (btw, if you’re wanting to run it with someone, hit me up)!
Well without further ado, we hope you enjoy our piece. It’s based on a lot of learning on our parts as we stumbled through how to do a relationship well. Grab a hot chocolate, or coffee or Haya’s fog, or whatever, and have a read. We hope you enjoy!
What you have learned in your dating relationship?
K: I feel like I’ve learned so much, but at the same time nothing at all because every time I try and think of it, my head feels like a balloon. Looks full, but nothing’s really there. The biggest thing I’ve been slowly learning, and only really been able to put words to fairly recently was the idea of taking up space. Any relationship is about learning to have a give and take, and our partnership has been us learning how to give to one another self-sacrificially. I found that I have been quick to give, and because of my natural inclination, it’s been really hard to hold Haya to the same standard that we tell ourselves to keep. When either of us fail, it’s important for the other to be able to honestly, and candidly mention our faults. So in taking up space, it means that I’m not just making myself small and allowing the content of our relationship to be taken up by one person, but instead I face my discomfort, get active in our relationship and tell Haya my worries, fears, problems and allow her to care for me. Take up space and let yourself be loved by your partner and the people around you.
H: I’ve learned lots of things in the span of being together for almost 4 and a half years but one thing has been that it’s an everyday decision to be with that person. Whether you’re having a good day or a bad day you’re making an intentional decision to stay with that person. It’s a choice.
What you would tell your younger self?
K: Be okay with you. Also, when you meet someone named Haya, she’s not just trying to be friends ya dingus.
H: You’ll attract the person you want by being that person. If you want someone that’s caring, honest and loves Jesus, think first if you’re striving to be that person. You don’t have to be that person already, but are you working towards it?
Debunking the lies of our culture surrounding dating and marriage.
K: That there is a missing piece inside of you that is somehow going to be filled by stuffing another broken person into your life. It shows itself in ways like trying to find your ‘soul mate,’ but it’s trickier than that too. The “I can’t believe you’re not dating someone” or how so much media portrays the idea of needing someone else and not being able to cope without the other. That’s not love, it’s codependency and it doesn’t make for a healthy partnership. It puts an unrealistic amount of pressure on someone else to be all the things you need when that’s God’s job. I need to be a healthy person striving after Him, and looking to see how I can serve another person.them. Work on being someone loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, gentle, good, kind, faithful and self-controlled. If you find someone that makes you want to care for them, and who cares for you too, then awesome! If not, that’s okay. You are not completed not by brokenness, but by a never-ending grace.
H: One of the things I’ve noticed about the way dating and marriage is portrayed in culture is that it’s very self fulfilling and self seeking. However, when I started dating, I quickly learned that relationships are about putting the other person first. People often see that as being ‘whipped’ but in reality, a healthy relationship needs reciprocated vulnerability, generosity, grace, empathy and a bunch of other good things that I can’t even list because the list is so long.
Before meeting Kieran I was dating someone for 7 months and after the relationship was done I had the mentality of “the next person I date will need to be able to accommodate to my very busy schedule (because I was in university, had a job, led a student group and volunteered). They would need to understand that I have a life and my world can’t revolve around them.
That mindset quickly crumbled when I started dating Kieran.
I had to learn to not only accommodate to his even busier schedule, but also his family dynamics, his spontaneity that was lovely, but also stressful, and how to communicate in a way that he found loving and caring, not just what I was comfortable with. I needed to put him first instead of looking to see what I could get out of this.
What can we begin doing now to prepare for our future spouse?
K: Haya and I got to emcee a wedding last summer (shout-out to the Ramers, you rock) and while we were meeting, we got to talking about wedding planning and getting married. The now-husband mentioned that as he was making his vows, he had these comments about being a man of God, of praying and protecting and all of these awesome things. He said that he realized that if he was going to say these things now, he needed to start living it out now.
The person you are now, doesn’t change if you get into a relationship, you’re just with someone who sees you in a less filtered way. Just like Haya said, strive to be the person you want to attract.
H: Learn what makes you important. Today, it’s easy to get caught up thinking surface level things like beauty, money, having the ‘perfect career,’ or success (which has so many different possible meanings to it) will make you important. Maybe it’ll get you noticed, but it’s not what makes you important – what makes you valuable.
God sees you, hears you, loves you and crafted you to exist and to love. That makes you valuable. Everything else is secondary or less.
Once you have a solid understanding of where your value is found, you have a healthier understanding of what a relationship means and can be all in with another person, not being afraid to fully engage with someone and allow them to see the innermost parts of who you are. It’s taken me years, but being able to see myself the way God sees me has dramatically changed the way I see myself as an individual, as Kieran’s partner, and as a future wife.
How do I date well as a Christian couple? (What we’ve been asked a few times before)
K: Don’t make them your everything. I love Haya, but I also have things that I enjoy on my own. Investing into myself, my friendships, my family and my community has made me a better person for her. Don’t isolate yourself from people, because most likely, they’re a big reason for making you the person that attracted them in the first place. Allow others to speak into your life, and of course, be diving into God for yourself before everything else since He’s got the best advice ever (way better than what we can come up with).
H: Praying together. I remember that it was very awkward when Kieran first asked if we could pray together before heading home. But, that initial ask has set a habitual, yet intentional time for us to invest in our relationship with God as a couple. In fact, this was the moment that I knew I wanted to marry Kieran (no promises for your relationship though).
Closing
K&H: Thanks for reading! We hope that our words gave you things to think about. We’re only experts in our own relationship so your mileage may vary. At the end of the day, the best advice we can give is to love God and love others, all of this is an outpouring of that. We wish you the best! Go be the amazing person you have been called to be!
Photography by Janelle Dudzic Photography
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