By Tianna Krawchuk
Who has that one fond memory of being a carefree kid? I definitely do. I think back to running endlessly, barefoot through a farmers field, climbing the thickest trees in a luscious, green forest or racing my best friend on my bicycle thinking we were race car drivers. I was not concerned about what I was wearing, what I looked like, how muddy my feet got or even what others thought of me. I was just free. Oh, how I would love to have the beautiful mindset of a child again!
When puberty was taking its nest in my body at the age of 12, those blissful thoughts started to evaporate. I remember the summer going into grade 7, I started to see changes in my body and my hips and let me tell you, I did not like it one bit. That same summer, I was so excited to have bought my first “teenage” apparel from American Eagle; mint green, size 0 shorts. Yet, when I was home in the mirror, I tore apart my “hips”, which I barely had. The sad thing is, I was taught this from a young age... to not love your body. I learned it from my mother and she was taught from her mother. I know they both never meant to do so, but this insecurity was bestowed onto me, the 3rd generation. I will say, my mom never once said anything to me about my weight, she always uplifted me. She taught me the importance of Jesus’ love for us and seeking Him first. BUT, I sadly watched her in front of the mirror as a toddler and throughout my teen years, tearing herself apart in the mirror. As well, being on the next new diet or workout plan. Even though, what I saw when I looked at my mom, was a beautiful, strong, and talented mother and woman of God. Once my body started to change, I was just doing what I was taught, which was to stare in the mirror and look at every flaw and blemish.
Throughout junior high, those negative thoughts started getting louder and louder. My mind would start to distort my image in the mirror. By the time I was 14 years old, I thought that if I just forced myself to throw up, I will finally be beautiful. I would continue this act for most of 9th grade. I remember after binge eating, I would head to the washroom, turn on the sink, so no one could hear, and begin to hurt myself. The thing is, I went into that washroom believing the lie... if I do this, I will be fulfilled. Yet, I left feeling even more defeated and would cry myself to sleep. Throughout all of this, I do not remember turning to Jesus or anyone, because I felt so ashamed of myself. Ashamed of how I looked. Ashamed of my actions. Yet, in the nick of time, He always reminds us that His grace is sufficient for us, His power is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).
In May 2008, I was attending a Youth Conference that same year I was struggling and one of the pastors said to stand if you feel unworthy, unloved, or unbeautiful. I took the courage to stand that day. He instructed mothers across the arena to stand and hug someone who was standing near them. To this day, I am boggled at who the woman was who hugged and prayed for me, but I am thankful for her. She prayed for healing over my mind and body. A few moments after that tear infested hug, my hands were raised to God and I was starting to feel free from the chains I put myself in for 3 years. Let me tell you, I have only once heard the audible voice of God and it was that day. I heard Him say, “Tianna, you are BEAUTIFUL.” For the first time in years, I felt free. The King of Kings, the Creator of this world, of me, called me by name and thought I was beautiful. He calls us all by name. And wants each and every person to “take captive every [horrible] thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:5).
For the next 2 years, I pressed into God and I saw myself in His perspective. I never again went into that bathroom and I thank Him for that. I do not know about you, but whenever I am doing something for Jesus, I find I start to get distracted by little things. It is like, the enemy of this world does not want us to look in the mirror and see who God says we are.
In grade 11, my metabolism started to slow down. I stopped doing physical activity and I absolutely LOVED grilled cheese, KD and Oreos with peanut butter! Who doesn't, right? Yet, it ended up making me feel gross inside, which in reality, if you only eat that, it can become unhealthy.
Fast forward to my grade 12 year. Graduation! Who else remembers the hype of finding our dresses, getting our hair done and all the talk about what we will do after we graduate? I do! But, those were not the main topics flooding my mind. What did consume me was my body and how I would LOOK in my grad dress. The fall of grade 12, I made a pact to myself to start eating healthier and working out. I would set my alarm for 5:55am, start my 45-60 minute workout at 6:00am, get ready for school and grab my sugar free, fat free yoghurt and frozen grapes for my breakfast and off to school I went. For lunch, I would eat a massive container of a mixed veggie salad with only balsamic vinegar. For supper, tons of vegetables and one chicken breast and if I thought I deserved it, an apple with cinnamon for dessert. I cut out all the foods I loved. I would not allow myself any treats or fatty foods. I remember at youth group we were having a pizza party, and I cried to my mom about having to eat the pizza. She encouraged me to eat just even one slice. Well, I had four and I beat myself up till no end. If ever, I ate any junk food, I would torture myself with another workout because I could “feel” the fat growing on my hips the moment food touched my lips. It did not take long for my weight to shred off. I was 20 lbs thinner in just a few months. I also started playing rugby 2nd semester, which was even more physical activity, but not increasing my food intake. By the time graduation rolled around, I felt “happy” in my dress, but only for a moment. I did not understand what I was doing to myself and my body. My close friends and family were getting frustrated with me. I would ask if I could have a little bite of someone's dessert, but only to taste, as I would spit it out right away. I remember my best friend threw the entire dessert in my face, saying, “just eat the whole thing!” But I physically could not. I was stuck, with no way out.
Remember how God is always there with His grace and ready to take captive of our thoughts? Well, He was ready to show me this through an incredible person who pushed me to my limits. This person is now my husband. When I met him, he was recovering from an eating disorder and recognized the signs in me quickly. I, of course, denied it because I thought I was just being extremely healthy. He made a pact with me, whatever he had to eat, I would have to eat it as well. Oh my goodness, I was so angry inside when he had me make the pact, but was slowly recognizing who I had become. It was over a year and a half that I had not eaten any fast food, baked goods or chips. But, remember that pact? If he ate a cookie, I had to. There were many times I would pretend to eat and secretly throw it out. Or if we shared a McFlurry, I pretended I was taking bites, but really he was eating 90% of it himself. Throughout the 2 years, until we were married, God was slowly bringing healing to my eating and working out habits. He was shifting my mindset. I am so thankful God brought my husband into my life. I do not know where I would be without his push to eat “scary” foods. My husband’s favourite verse that he constantly would remind us of was Ephesians 2:10, “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.”
I realized, it is important to eat your daily intake of food and it is okay to indulge in your favourite desserts, every now and then. As well, it is important to maintain physical activity. Those are all important for health, but the moment it becomes an obsession, that is where you have crossed into the danger zone.
Fast forward, almost 7 years later, and here I am writing to you. I am thankful to say, I am a size 8, able to workout in moderation, eat without a care woman! I try my best to maintain a healthy lifestyle, but I do not beat myself up if I miss a workout, eat a piece of cake or a plate of nachos and cheese. I am not perfect and do have moments where I still have to fight off negative thoughts, instead I try to remember Whose I am. I am a masterpiece, created by the same God who sent His Son to die on a cross for my freedom! Who died to take away the obsessive chains of working out and restricting foods that I enslaved myself in. He helped me to see what truly matters, a heart for Him. I often remind myself of this, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.” (Proverbs 31: 30). In the past the first thing I did when I woke up was workout. Now, I try to start my day off with Jesus. The closer I am to Him, the more I see who I am to Him.
Now, let us go back to the beginning, remember that carefree child? The child who was confident? Well, God is bringing that carefree child back in me! I am not a mother yet, but I pray one day I can help nurture my carefree child to see themselves as God sees them, so that when they grow up they will not repeat what their parents went through. I want to break the intergenerational bondage, so it does not reach the 4th generation. Yes, we may still struggle with our insecurities, but fight to believe who you are in Christ. Now, that is something worthy of fighting for!
These lyrics are such a great representation of who God says we are:
“Who am I that the highest King would welcome me?
I was lost, but He brought me in
Oh His love for me
Who the Son sets free
Oh, is free indeed
I'm a child of God, yes, I am
Free at last, He has ransomed me
His grace runs deep
While I was a slave to sin, Jesus died for me
I am chosen, not forsaken
You are for me, not against me
I am who You say I am”
(Who you say I am - Hillsong Worship)
Ladies, I want to finish with this: Who does God say you are?
Loved (John 3:16)
His (1 John 3:1)
Worthy (Zephaniah 3:17)
Purposed (Jeremiah 29:11)
Redeemed (Ephesians 1:7)
He has called you by name and treasures you just the way YOU are because YOU ARE HIS! (Isaiah 43:1). Please, know this: You are who He says you are, and He my dear, is Wild for You.
Scripture references:
Eph. 3:19;
Eph. 5:25-30
1 Peter 3:4-5
1 Peter 2:10
Proverbs 31:30
John 8:32
*If you are currently struggling with excessive physical activity, poor self-talk, self-harming
tendencies or struggling with an eating disorder, I encourage you to reach out to someone for help. Whether that is a family member, someone from Wild For You, a nutritionist or a doctor. You are worthy and deserve a life of freedom.
Tianna is a youth support worker and loves her job! If she is not working, you can find her hanging out with her family and dog, as they cheer on the Edmonton Oilers! Tianna loves anything creative; from baking, playing music or painting. She recently started a new position with Leading Influence Ministries, as the National Prayer Event Director. Her passion is to see Jesus bring healing across Canada!
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