By Nikola Tonn
As I began writing this post I found myself trying to gather my thoughts, and I feel as though my journey has been stitched together by teachings of people much smarter than me. I’ve created a list of materials that I used to help shape my view points over the years and they are listed below. I thought it would be best to elaborate on my personal experience, and then give you the tools to further educate yourself. This process is an on-going intercession with God, trusted friends and yourself. This is my journey, it's not perfect. It is filled with grace, recognizing, defining and understanding sexual desire in myself.
Can I be honest, I think sex is one of Gods great creations. I mean take a minute and read through any part of Songs of Solomon and on those pages you will find a man so infatuated with a woman you can feel his desire to be sexually intimate. God created sex in his image, he wanted us to know the depths of his love through our own sexual desire, to be known so intimately with another person here in this life. So how has the church explained this, maybe you’ve heard over the years “sex is bad”, “five steps to sexual purity”, or my favourite to women specifically “men are naturally sexual beings, here’s how we help.” I know, I know, men are sexual beings, but while I’ve been doing research over the last couple of months, the content surrounding women is extremely limited. As a women in her late 20’s I can attest to the knowledge that was provided to me with regards to sex during my formative years. It all surrounded this idea that while you might inherently have a desire for sex, there was a focus on men’s perspectives. Which if I’m honest really left all the learning and educating up to me.
To better understand my relationship with sex, pornography and masturbation, I need you to know my situation, I am unmarried, not in a relationship and am a virgin. I’ve always understood and firmly believe that sex is best within the confines of marriage. I desire sex, I would be lying to say otherwise. Over the last several years that yearning has not wavered and it's probably only been elevated. I’ve felt isolated at times, in churches our conversation surrounding sexual desire focused their attention on men. At one point I questioned if something was inherently wrong with me? These last few years I’ve given myself space to learn about my female sexual desire, there is no road map for this and each woman you encounter will have a different journey.
Over the years in different environments I’ve heard “wow, really you haven’t desired sex at all?”, or from non Christian circles, “don’t you want to test drive the car before you buy it?” I mean yes, you would never buy a car without test driving it first. I’d love to write and say it's super simple even at my age or as time goes on that you’ll find contentment. That one day you'll wake up and your sexual desire will just be gone. It won’t, also I don’t really want it to go anywhere. I can tell you the desire to be fully known and loved in seasons of loneliness only heightened my sexual desire. The moments that I felt the lowest about myself and my
circumstances were also moments where I figured porn would make me feel close to someone. It didn’t. It never has. You don’t wake up feeling more content with your situation, if anything it became more isolating.
“God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. And remember, when you are being tempted, do not say, “God is tempting me.” God is never tempted to do wrong, and he never tempts anyone else. Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death.” James 1:12-15 NLT
How do you define temptation? The dictionary defines it as ‘the desire to do something, especially something wrong or unwise’. These quick releases at times don’t feel like unwise decisions. I can sit here and easily think of way to justify my actions for watching pornography, that’s the easy part. This verse speaks to the nature of what allowing that temptation to grow could do. These desires give space to create more sinful behaviours,
which will only leave you more empty. There is no fulfillment within temptation, even if our body feels some level of self-gratification, it can never truly be satisfied.
I recently watched a youtube video (linked below), and one question this couple asked each other was ‘when did you first partake in porn/sexual material?’. It took me a minute to realize that I had actually stepped into this when I was in junior high. Growing up I despised reading and when I finally started getting into it, I started with these horrible romance novels, the best way to explain is Hallmark movies but sexually explicit. I never imagined my first moments with sexual material would be found on written pages. These sexual desires grew from a place of wanting to be known. The world will tell you that sexual pleasure, manifesting in sexual fantasies and desires, will make you feel whole. It won’t.
“If we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." CS Lewis, The Weight of Glory
So I guess the big question is how do we combat it, in a sexually driven world? For starters talk about it! Please, what’s kept in the dark will only grow, take it from someone who knows. Allow a safe and trusted community of people or a person into your struggle in this area. Over the years I have had many friends that I have been able to be open with about my struggles with sexual desire. It's not a topic that we bring up all the time but when brought into a safe space it is not a taboo subject. Ask questions in your small group, pastors
and mentors, sexual desires are something most people have struggled with; it's an intimate part of everyone's story. Life experience and knowledge will help shape your understanding of how to combat lustful thoughts, pornography, masturbation and your own personal sexual desire. We need to normalize it in the church, in our friendship circles; we consider it to be a major sinful desire, yet we never really talk about it. Overcoming these desires will be an on-going challenge. But with Christian focused views on sexual desire, conversations, and an openness to listen without condemnation and judgement, we can create a transparency that will breed healthy sexual conversations.
Below are a combination of YouTube videos, some podcasts I listened to, and facts about pornography. Do your research, find Christian based theology to gleam knowledge regarding sexual desire. So here’s a jumping off point:
YouTube:
- Christian Sexuality:
- Interview with Jackie Perry Hill: https://youtu.be/Pc_s2xItSsI
- Interview with Francis Chan: https://youtu.be/pDfFc2jaIUw
- With the Perrys: https://youtu.be/u0kHlMCYEWc
- Mike Todd: https://youtu.be/0LI4e_Y9syo
Podcasts :
- Bridgetown Audio Podcast: “God and Sexuality”
- Episode 304, God and Sexuality
- Episode 305, Sexual Formation (This one blew my mind)
- Episode 308, Singleness
- Episode 309, Marriage
- Thirty Minutes with the Perry’s
- Sexuality & Self Denial
- Pornography & Marriage: Part 1 and Part 2
Pornography Stats:
- The average age of first exposure to pornography is now only 11 years old. As many as 93.2% of boys and 62.1% of girls first see porn before they turn 18.
- 25% of search engine requests are related to sex
- 35% of downloads from the internet are pornographic
- 40 million Americans say they regularly visit porn sites
- 70% of men aged 18 to 24 visit a porn site at least once per month
- The largest consumer group of online porn is men between the ages of 35 and 49
- One-third of all internet porn users are women
- Sunday is the most popular day of the week for viewing porn
Hello! I’m Nikola, things you need to know. I enjoy spending time playing Animal Crossing on my switch, reading honestly anything, colouring and binge watching documentaries. If you're looking for a good one there is a man who befriends an octopus on Netflix, it's worth the watch. I grew up in a large family, three amazing sisters, I have a big fat orange cat named Ellie, she’s full of attitude, probably takes after me! I’ve gone to Hope City all my life, volunteered in almost every department except greeting. I live in a very colourful and art filled apartment near Whyte ave, to be honest I don’t know why I am attracted to colours, I only wear the colour black. My sister has me hooked on murder podcasts, so you will usually find me going for walks in the river valley. I work in the arts community of Edmonton and absolutely love everything about it. God has walked with me through many beautiful seasons and I couldn’t imagine a life without Him.
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