By guest writer Nikola Tonn
I’ll be honest when I say prayer hasn't ever come naturally to me. Growing up in church, leading in different capacities I’ve stood in my fair share of pre-service prayer meetings, standing in circles acknowledging the moment before us and seeking God to show up in the spaces we cannot. Beautiful spaces with expectant hearts, prepared for what God is going to do in the hearts of individuals we knew we would never be able to touch. I think that's what prayer does; it fixes our eyes on the things we know as humans we cannot mend. When all hope is lost and we don’t see Him working we find ourselves on our knees, pleading with the one who can do all things. Is that all it is? This is a notion I know too well. I’ve found myself on my knees trying to understand why Gods not answering, can he not hear me? Is he busy dealing with the hundreds of thousand who are also praying? Does he not see my pain, and just not care?
God has a funny way of putting things into perspective over the years. I’ve heard people say “maybe He's already answered your prayer, just not in the way you expected”. Well thank you Sherlock, or my favorite “have you ever thought he hears your prayer, it's just not God's timing yet”. I mean yes that crossed my mind but in seasons of drought, that’s not the words to ease my soul.These prayers are all I have.
This past year everything shifted, during the midst of a pandemic I don’t doubt you’ve had your prayers not answered, me too. The past couple months my perspective and heart for prayer has altered. I decided back in March of this year if we were going to be stuck at home, then I needed a schedule. In bed at 11pm every night, and up at 7:30am, making coffee, watching a sermon, reading my bible and talking to God. I say talking, not necessarily your traditional view of prayer because that was what it was. Let me explain, I imagined He was sitting on my couch across from me. We had coffee every morning for weeks, I disclosed fears, doubts, desires, joyful moments, we cried, laughed and He just sat with me. In April, I found myself being awoken at 3am, with the names of friends and family to pray for and this audible voice awakening my spirit to pray. Funny how when the world stops, God's voice became so clear at 3am of course, who needs sleep. Truthfully God's voice hadn’t been this clear for me in years.
When I think back to how I experienced prayer it didn’t fit this mold, I think the construct of how we pray is so beautiful to each individual's relationship to God. I desired to wake up and sit with Him in my living room, there was so much to say, conversations that felt calmed once shared. Don’t doubt that I wished for answers, acknowledgements that he heard, I had weeks where I would lay in my living room, just silence and waited, journal ready for the words to come. No audible voice, no voice at all, just a girl discouraged on the floor, but also at peace.
There are so many beautiful stories in the bible about seasons like this. A few of the sermons that I have listened to have focused on the Old Testament. You know the first few books that I think we often skip over to get to the beautiful melodies in Psalms. Nonetheless, I found myself and 1 Samuel, reading the plees of a woman named, Hannah. She desperately wanted children and God had not granted her that request, she promised God that she would offer a son back to the kingdom. He said yes. In 1 Samuel 2: 1-10 (MSG), we read:
1 Samuel 2: 1-10 (MSG) Hannah prayed: I’m bursting with God-news! I’m walking on air. I’m laughing at my rivals. I’m dancing my salvation. 2-5 Nothing and no one is holy like God, no rock mountain like our God. Don’t dare talk pretentiously— not a word of boasting, ever! For God knows what’s going on. He takes the measure of everything that happens. The weapons of the strong are smashed to pieces, while the weak are infused with fresh strength. The well-fed are out begging in the streets for crusts, while the hungry are getting second helpings. The barren woman has a houseful of children, while the mother of many is bereft. 6-10 God brings death and God brings life, brings down to the grave and raises up. God brings poverty and God brings wealth; he lowers, he also lifts up. He puts poor people on their feet again; he rekindles burned-out lives with fresh hope, Restoring dignity and respect to their lives— a place in the sun! For the very structures of earth are God’s; He has laid out his operations on a firm foundation. He protectively cares for his faithful friends, step by step, but leaves the wicked to stumble in the dark. No one makes it in this life by sheer muscle! God’s enemies will be blasted out of the sky, crashed in a heap and burned. God will set things right all over the earth, he’ll give strength to his king, he’ll set his anointed on top of the world!
I read this scripture and immediately felt her rejoice, this prayer is a beautiful depiction of the highs and lows that come from prayerful moments with God. It speaks of a God that has always seen her, who knows her heart but also holds power that we cannot fathom. “Nothing and no one is holy like God, no rock mountain like our God. Don’t dare talk pretentiously..” (1 Samuel 2: 2-5, The Message) This phrase right here combines all my heart understood of God over the last few months. He is immovable, holy and yet I dare come before Him with words that doubt His goodness. He sees me, my thoughts, my heart and every single moment I’ve desired something outside of what He's already placed before me.
So how do you pray, like this.
Grab a coffee, or a drink of choice.
Sit before your friend, healer, father.
Speak. Knowing that He knows you, in every way.
Be consistent in your prayers, He wants to listen. Even if no movement happens rest in the knowing He’s working. Patience.
This isn’t easy and I don’t think it ever gets easier but the consistency of God never changes and if that's all I have to hold onto then I am grabbing hold and never letting go. May you find rest in your Father, friend, counselor in times of hopelessness. You are known in ways that we will never understand.
Hello! I’m Nikola, things you need to know. I enjoy spending time playing Animal Crossing on you're looking for a good one there is a man who befriends an octopus on Netflix, it's worth
the watch. I grew up in a large family, three amazing sisters, I have a big fat orange cat
named Ellie, she’s full of attitude, takes after me! I’ve gone to Hope City Church all my life,
volunteered in almost every department except greeting, I'm a bit of an introvert, my family
would disagree. I live in a very colorful and art filled apartment near Whyte ave, to be honest I don’t know why I am attracted to colours, I only wear the colour black. My sister has me hooked on murder podcasts, so you will usually find me going for walks in the river valley. I work in the arts community of Edmonton and absolutely love everything about it. My birthday is on Halloween and so I’ve gone trick or treating every year and this year will be no different, and yes I will be 28, but it's my Birthday. God has walked with me through many beautiful seasons and I couldn’t imagine a life without Him.
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