By Gloria MacKinnon
I’m so excited to join Wild for You in kicking off their new series Unveiled. I have the privilege of sharing about the veil of mental health. While mental health issues are not anything new historically, in our age we are more equipped with knowledge, ability to diagnose, treatments and ongoing care and awareness that I can ever remember in my lifetime.
But just because we know about it, doesn’t make it any less confusing. I think oftentimes as Christians we question any sort of illness and why it would happen to us if we serve a God who loves us so much, and I’d love to walk through some of that confusion in this blog.
A little background on me: As early as 9 years old I began to experience seasonal depression around Christmas. It was never a happy time for me and I still have a hard time with it today. Going into my teen years I began to experience insomnia (I couldn’t sleep for days at a time), and I became suicidal and attempted to take my life at 15 years old. I was admitted to a hospital for 3 months during which time I was diagnosed as Bi Polar and was given a slew of medications to take. Shortly after being released from the hospital, I rejected the diagnosis, stopped taking my medications and continued to abuse illegal drugs and alcohol. I made that decision because as a teenager, some of the most formative years of your life, the last thing you want to feel is different, and I did. I felt very isolated from my friends. I wanted to be like everyone else, meaning I didn’t want to be on medication to be “normal” or “happy” - I just wanted to be happy like everyone else was without meds.
Lies associated with mental health took over me, and they stayed well into adulthood. Some of the things we believe about it is:
You are incompetent
You are not normal
You’ll never be able to accomplish anything
No one could ever like me like this
I’m a burden
This is my fault
I can’t be used by God
When you struggle to get out of bed in the morning, when you can’t breathe, when you’re so sad or act out and do things that even you can’t explain, it's easy to believe those things. You feel out of control and I don’t think anyone would like to feel that way.
Now into my 30’s, a few years ago I began to experience unprovoked anxiety and panic attacks, serious depression and mass confusion. This is all 15+ years after my problems as a teenager, now a Bible college graduate, now working at a church in a ministry I loved.
Stubborn as a bull and believing all those lies, I tried to dismiss what was happening because I was afraid of what would happen to me. I was afraid I would be fired, I was afraid I wouldn’t be trusted, I was afraid I would be seen as unpredictable.
It took me months before I realized that I could not beat it alone when my attempts at handling it and trying to hide it weren’t working. I was bursting at the seams. I took myself to emergency, would sleep sitting up and all kinds of crazy things to try to handle it myself.
Rock bottom for me was when I convinced myself that I was losing my mind, for good and would be a lost cause.
I was allowing the veil that Jesus had torn to separate what God was trying to do in my life. I realize that might be a confusing statement, to think that mental health issues would ever be something God could use, but stick with me.
One day I decided enough was enough and I was going to fight. I knew that living this way wasn’t what God had intended for me. He does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind.
Instead of suffering alone for so many months in silence, what I wish I had done was tapped into the resources God put before me. These resources have not only helped me learn to live each day but have given me an understanding that really broke a lot of those lies off of my life.
Mental illnesses are physical chemical imbalances within your brain. My anxiety is caused by the fact that a part of my brain called the cerebellum does not function properly. It is part of the brain that helps you detect danger and make decisions and mine struggles to do that, hence the anxiety. I was also, for a second time diagnosed as Bi Polar, which for me is hereditary as it runs in one side of my family. Being Bi Polar is part of my DNA.
Understanding this opened many doors for me. I started doing Chiropractic work to keep muscles and nerves around my neck loose so I could have better blood flow to my brain. I get massage to release tension my body clings to with anxiety. I did Osteopath work to get my body in balance so my brain didn’t have to work so hard to compensate for body issues. I did acupuncture to hit points to settle fear, nerves and to ground me. I saw a psychologist, a CBT therapist and completed a year of Freedom sessions in which I gave God the floor to help me understand how to be the best version of me.
Remember earlier when I said that I was keeping that veil between God and I and therefore not allowing Him to do a work in my life? Well the veil is gone. My life has been changed because of this and I’m not ashamed of who I am. What the enemy might have tried to use for bad with his lies, God has turned for good.
If you never open yourself up to get help, help will not come in. Freedom is in the light, not the darkness, Jesus is the light, not the darkness. Being vulnerable, accountable and honest with my community allows that community to surround me when I need it (and I do) and to have the strength and courage to go on.
The truth I have learned is that God made us for each other and that He is full of compassion. In my weakness, He has proven strong. He has opened doors of opportunity where I thought no one would want me. God has used this to make me a more empathetic and compassionate person. It’s made me available to have open and honest conversations with others who are struggling and also to share my story so that others can find hope and not feel alone. This is what God does and this is what He called us to do; to go and make disciples, to walk with people, to do life with people at their worst and best and to let Him lead us in the life He designed.
My life is filled with great friends, family, church community, a fantastic job, a wonderful partner, passion to serve others and hope for a fantastic future. I am not too far gone, I am loveable, I am employable, I am trustworthy and you are everything God has called you too despite what you can see with your eyes or what your feelings and fears dictate.
If you are facing a mental health crisis, I encourage you to walk through that torn veil. Talk to someone you trust, someone who can help and invite Jesus into the situation to guide you, walk hand in hand with you and lead you to life to the fullest. You are worthy of it and it is possible.
Gloria is a lifelong disciple and learner who is obsessed with Jesus, music and her two cats. Originally from Hamilton where she graduated Bible College and got her start in youth ministry, she moved to Edmonton in 2009 seeking adventure and God's next. She continued her work in youth ministry and is now part of the team at Shiloh Youth Ranch which runs year round programs and a summer camp at their
beautiful ranch just outside of Edmonton.
Her passion lies in making the people around
her successful through sharing hope in the
work of Christ in her and other peoples stories.
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