By Shireen Etoroma
Where do I begin with my relationship with my mental health? Initially, it was a slow burn, a "what are we though?"- just flirting with anxious thoughts and feelings of worthlessness. I remember not being able to sleep before exams in junior high, getting involved in (creating lol) friend drama, and just a shadow of insecurity. It was not until I was 16 that I got into a full-term relationship with what would later be named generalized anxiety disorder and low-grade depression. Little thoughts, feelings, and behaviours of a tormented mind began to take bloom fully. My mind was not a fun place to be. It's a song that's stuck in your head, and the lyrics are lies, and the tune never seems to get old.
"Everything you do leads to failure."
"You are worthless."
"You are a chronic disappointment."
"You bring shame to your family name."
"You will never measure up to anything your brothers do."
"You will always be the wrong Etoroma."
"You are a burden to be around."
"You are disgusting to look at."
"You are an embarrassment."
The feelings that resulted from my thoughts were no less ugly: miserable, discouraged, bitter, envious, argumentative, agitated, empty, overwhelmed. It was the behaviours that followed that made me realize I couldn't fight this alone. I was on edge, and anything could set me off, which led to many fiery conversations with my family and friends. I was unmotivated, and I would numb out. It felt like it was always raining on the inside. I was just a 5'4” cannonball, ready to explode into a fit of tears and anxious spiral, or just rage.
Being Black and dealing with mental health adds another level of complexity. I felt a lot of shame and isolation because there is a stigma in the Black community related to mental health. In my own family, we don't share our emotions; it's something you are just supposed to figure out by yourself. A lot of questions loomed in my mind.
Should the word anxiety or depression even be in my vocab if I call myself a Christian?
Will I always be this miserable?
I am so blessed. Why do I feel this way?
How is everyone else so normal?
Why can't I be more like…?
What about now? I have invested a lot of time, money and talk space looking for counsellors or therapists or anything that would give me a way out of my head. Just like anxiety and depression snuck up on me, my recovery has felt that way too. I’ve let go of the idea that I can fight this battle on my own. Today I prioritize things such as exercising, eating whole foods, doing ‘thought records’, regularly talking to others, and trusting in God who is the lifter of my head.
For someone who is struggling with their mental health I would say, first of all, "there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1). Struggling with your mental health or dark thoughts does not make you less of a Christian. I would ask you to seek help and pray for resilience because healing may not come overnight, but recovery will come. Take heart!
I have learned a lot about God in light of my struggle with mental health. Here are just a few things:
God isn't scared or surprised by your thoughts, feelings or behaviours. (Psalm 139:2)
God is with you in your pain. (Psalm 34:18)
God gives you his peace and joy (it's your birthright!) (John 14:27)
God is sovereign, and over all and God can and will use humans to bring his healing.
(Colossians 1:16)
God hears you. (Psalm 116:2)
Shireen is a 4th year nursing student. She likes taking naps, doing puzzles, playing the piano and trying new fitness classes. She believes some of the best things in life are: Hawaii, live concerts and dessert, always dessert. One of her favourite people to spend time with is her hilarious little niece.
All Photography by Alexa Tonn http://www.alexatonn.com/@alexatonn
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