Guest writer Kendra Bovenschen
It is not good for you to be alone. It is good for you to be together with others.
These are two principles made clear in the Bible’s creation narrative, where God forms the man and the woman in fellowship with him and one another. Relationship is intrinsic to your very existence as a human being.
However, your ability to be in relationship with others has been fractured by what Christians call sin - the selfishness and pride which has infiltrated your being. Similarly, others have been fractured by sin. This means that relationships with others are going to be complicated, hurtful, and often confusing. Relationships can be just plain hard.
As I reflect back on the various relationships I engaged in during my teenage years (including friends, special interests, and boyfriends), I want to condense it all down to one main word: security.
What does it mean to you to be secure? I think about a deep winter, Alberta blizzard, when I am fortunately at home snuggled under a cozy blanket, sipping hot chocolate or good tea. Candles are burning, or maybe a fire, and even though the wind screams outside and the cold is beyond livable temperatures, the inside is safe and comfortable.
Safety, or being secure, is one of our most basic human needs - as vulnerable creatures, we need it to survive, and so we search for it. To be secure means to be in a space where we can be seen, known, and cared for. We seek to be secure in many aspects of life, including its physical, emotional, and social dimensions. The Bible teaches us that the broken world we currently experience is a very fragile one; we cannot trust it to provide us with what is ultimately good and satisfying. Rather, we must receive faith from God to trust in him and believe that He will provide a good life for us, even through the most difficult hardship. In fact, we are taught that vulnerability is a good thing when Christ is within us, since it is intrinsic to our dependence on God as the only true source of life.
What does all this have to do with relationships?
It is too easy for us to seek our ultimate security from the wrong place, only to be disappointed after all is said and done.We long to attain security from our relationships - meaningful connection where we can be seen, known, and cared for - but remain unsatisfied, hurt, or insecure. Often, we are willing to pay an extremely high price to attain this relational security.
Take a moment to consider the role that relationships currently play in your life. Think about the relationships you have with ordinary friends, perhaps a special interest, or a boyfriend. Now, think about your relationship with Christ. What is the primary relationship you trust will deliver the security you want/need? What takes ultimate priority in your life? Is it your friends, and what they say or think about you? Is it your boyfriend or special interest, and whether or not he has texted you back in the last hour? Or what he says about you? Is it Christ - his thoughts about you and purposes for you as revealed in scripture?
Don’t just think about what you think your own priorities are. Consider your actions, your emotions, and how you spend your time: what are you focused on? What captures the most of your attention? What makes it to the very top of your priority list? What has the greatest impact on how you think about yourself?
I know that my ultimate security has all too quickly ended up depending on people other than Christ. I let the thoughts and actions of other people be the primary dictator of how I see myself. This is not about self-esteem, it is about Lordship - who is the ultimate King of my life? Who is the one I ultimately trust for my security? Several years ago, and through a relationship that ended up painfully unhealthy, God revealed to me that I had been allowing someone other than him to sit on the throne of my being. In Christian circles we often refer to this as “idolatry,” which means to devote oneself to a false god.
This may be sounding a bit extreme to you. Just to clarify, I am not suggesting that looking to other people for security is, in itself, a bad thing. We need other people to thrive, and we need other people to be the hands and feet of Christ to us. However, we must acknowledge that it is very possible for us to elevate these human relationships to inappropriate levels of authority in our lives. This is important to consider wherever you are at; friendships, dating relationships, and especially marriage relationships are the most freeing, enriching, and rewarding when Christ is sitting on the throne.
How do you know if or when other people have gotten a seat on the throne of your being? Speaking from my own experience, I encourage you to consider the following questions thoughtfully:
How much is your emotional state dependent on the actions or words of others?
· For example, you might find that you are very irritable and negative when a particular person has failed to respond to your text, but overly high/happy when they do. Perhaps you find yourself expressing these emotions to people closest to you, such as your family members, with no other legitimate reason to do so.
How much are your thoughts/evaluations of yourself dependent on the actions/words of others?
· For instance, when spending large amounts of time on social media, how much are your thoughts about yourself fluctuating with the responses of others (or lack thereof)?
As you move forward, consider the practical steps you can take to gain awareness of where you are seeking your security from.
Keep a private journal. Confide in it as often as you need to, being as honest as possible. I try to write in mine every day. Writing is a good way to get your thoughts out on paper and take a look at them, often granting you a new perspective.
Get consistent physical exercise. This can help you release any stress you may be carrying in your body, helping you to process. It is a great way to give my mind a break from its usual thinking patterns and focus on something completely different. This can help provide a different perspective on an issue or situation that previously felt overwhelming.
Pray about your needs and desires. Bring them to Jesus as they surface in your relationships, even in the tiniest of moments. This helps you to surrender your need to control, and helps you foster trust in Him. You will be amazed how he meets these in his time, in his ways.
The time for you to think about these things is right now. Submit your relationships to Christ, allowing Him to be the giver of your security. Live your friendships out of the abundance of God’s provision, rather than your own fears and insecurities. It was when I began to let go of my own grasp for security that I entered the most freeing relationships I have yet experienced. Because I believe in Christ’s generous love for his children, I know the same (and much more) is possible for you.
From my journal, written on November 3, 2013 when I was sixteen -
God, I know I’m weak in this area of my life. I know it’s a weak spot for me - it’s so hard for me to just let go of relationships & boys & drama, and I know that if I don’t open this door to your light & truth & strength, it won’t end up good and there will be painful consequences. I know I can’t do this on my own, you need to come, Jesus Christ, with your power into this stuff in my life.
Kendra is a 23 year old Christ follower, people lover, and garden grower. About a year ago she happily married Daniel, who she likes to refer to as her “imported quality German goods.” They currently have their home in Sherwood Park, AB. She studies Psychology at The King’s University and is always up for meeting new people, a meaningful conversation, or a good laugh.
Feel free to reach out to Kendra at kendra.benterud@gmail.com
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