In honour of February and all things relationships, this month on the blog we will be hearing from guys and girls from all stages of relationships answer some of the most asked questions regarding relationships, and share their best advice and encouragement. These are regular people who may be one or two steps ahead of you who have a heart for you to succeed in your romantic relationships. Get ready. Sit back. Let’s go! ~Daysha
By guest writer Tyler FergusonIt’s important that you understand a few things about me.
I grew up, entering my teens, watching my parents divorce and my Dad leave our family. He moved across the world and I didn’t see him again until I was 19 years old. I’d be incredibly dishonest if I didn’t admit how deeply that situation has affected my view of love and my view of relationships. You may not necessarily relate with this aspect of my testimony but it’s important to understand that although this happened, I had an incredible network of Godly people in my life to show me what healthy relationships and commitment really looked like.
I am…at my very core…a romantic. I love to be loved and I love to love. Growing up, I always wanted to be a husband and some day, a father. This may have a lot to do with how much I loved the way my Dad was growing up. I’ve always said, he was a great father, just not a great husband.
As a young person, it can feel like people don’t always take you seriously. Especially when it comes to love, commitment, marriage, or even just dating. We love with an intensity that feels mature because of the way it impacts us. It feels like the most important thing, the relationship…in a lot of ways…can end up consuming most, if not all of our time and energy. We were no different. We started dating in 2010 and didn’t get married until 2015. I remember thinking I was ready for marriage only months into our relationship.
Am I ever glad we waited. This was incredibly hard! Alyse is so good for me in so many ways, but she didn’t allow her identity to be defined by the status of relationship. I struggled with this if I’m honest. Did I just care more? Was I more mature? No…definitely not. We learned things about one another in the years of dating that challenged us to pause and make regular choices and commitments to keep moving forward. This of course happens naturally in marriage but we learned how to disagree on a deeper level, yet still move toward resolution, confidently aware that conflict or the incredible mountain top experiences, wouldn’t solely define our relationship or who we were as individuals. I like to think we still live that way.
Alyse and I had the opportunity to take the pre-marriage course before getting married and it was fantastic. I came out of the class feeling like my questions were answered, clearly defined expectations, and I felt like there was nothing that could stop us as we entered into marriage.
I absolutely love being married and I love that I get to call Alyse my wife. It’s an incredible joy and challenge that pushes me to rely less on myself and more on God every single day. Truthfully though, all of the successful relationships around me were people that had been doing it well…for a long time. Grandparents, in-laws to be, friends of the family, etc. We all have that one couple or relationship we look to and wish we could emulate. How are they so happy? How have they been so faithful? So unwavering? Do they even fight?
The one common factor in every successful relationship…time and experience. That’s what no one told me. Healthy marriages and relationships take time. It doesn’t just happen the moment you say I do and choose to commit to a life with one another. That being said, I do think it’s possible (and I encourage it) to be a healthy person before entering into marriage. Time is often the thing we rush the most. We want to hurry up and get married because that defines us. It gives us clarity to the question of how to live in relationship with the one we care about.
My encouragement is this. Take time. Why wait?
I would challenge you, why not wait? What’s the rush?
As a Youth & Young Adult Pastor, I have the opportunity to walk this out with real people and real relationships that I care about deeply. I believe, whole heartedly, that the best thing you can do to prepare yourself for your future spouse is to focus on building a healthy relationship with God first. This is completely counter-cultural because it challenges us to die to self. We are told to “be the kind of person you want to date/marry”. This is so unhealthy. I get the idea, for a long time I even believed it, but it’s flawed. Who does God want you to be? What does that mean for your life? Your friendships? Your relationships? Your future?
So many young people (guilty) look for relationships to define them. God doesn’t call us into relationship in order to fulfill our purpose. God purposes each one of us with a unique story that actually carries major implications for the faith of those around us, not to mention our potential significant other. When I first met Alyse, I was amazed by her faith and her willingness to go wherever God called her to be. Her faith still amazes me. She trusts harder and loves deeper than I could have ever imagined. In many ways, most times…honestly, the way she loves me may even go unnoticed by anyone else. I like that.
I struggle most with expecting her to shape her decisions and goals around the “us” mentality. Is that bad? No…it’s natural, but it is selfish. If you and I were sitting down for a coffee, having this discussion in person, I’d ask you this. Who is this relationship for? Is it for you? For her? God?
I’ve recently began praying a prayer that is changing my life. We’ve been married for 4 ½ years and I’m still figuring this out every day, but here it is.
God, use me to reveal your best for Alyse today.
This is real submission. It’s not about who cooks, cleans, takes out the trash or clears the driveway. How can you pray more intently to honor the purpose and plan that God may have for your spouse or significant other? I promise you, that as you spend time leaning in to God, He will supply your every need and grow a kind of love in your heart that truly reflects the love he has for the person or people you care about most. Submitting to your significant other is all about really submitting to God’s best for their life.
It’s a beautiful thing when you can partner with someone who is pursuing a “God first” relationship because it takes the focus off of what you can each give one another and instead invites God into the messy, the complicated, the amazing, and the wonderful.
My name is Tyler Ferguson. I’m 30 years old and been happily married for 4.5years. Having know Alyse for 9 years now, we’ve been through a lot that has shaped us into who we are today. I serve as Youth and Young Adult Pastor at The Father’s House Church and I’m extremely passionate about hot wings.
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